Don't Just Hear, Freaking Listen...Please.

I've noticed a sometimes panic-inducing trend in clients: they hear but don't listen. This was most prominent in a conversation with a client recently. It is incredibly important to pay attention to what your veterinary staff tells you, we don't talk just to hear our heads rattle. That being said, I present another Letter To A Client.
Dear Ms. Almost Killmydog,
 Fifi has had a cough for a few days so you brought her in to be checked, which was a good idea. We had been treating her for congestive heart failure and it was suggested changing her furosemide (diuretic) dosage frequency from once to twice a day to help get the fluid out of her lungs and from around her heart, which is why she is coughing. We sent you on your way having been reassured that you had her, "heart meds at home," only to receive a phone call from you later that afternoon. What's that? The only medications you have for her at home are metronidazole and enalapril? Ok, let me look up your notes. Hmm, it seems it was furosemide that was suggested to be increased and you should not have left over metronidazole since that is an antibiotic and will not help her coughing. No, that does not mean that Dr. Friendly meant the enalapril, it says furosemide and we would be happy to get you a refill if you need one. No, that does not mean you can just give an extra enalapril. No, do not give extra enalapril. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN DON'T DO IT!! Listen to what I am saying, don't just let it go in one ear and out the other! Especially when it comes to medications, and here's why:
1) When it comes to antibiotics, ALWAYS finish them regardless of if they're yours or your pet's. The reason for this is that the first few doses get the weaklings, and the more of the antibiotic you take the more of the infectious bacteria you kill off. This is why you're asked to take them for a certain number of days. If you tell your vet staff that Fifi has left over antibiotics, you can be sure that they will tell the rest of the staff and we'll all roll our eyes and think you're an idiot. We'd like to avoid that and be proud of our clients for being smart enough to simply finish giving a medication for the prescribed treatment period. It's really not that hard. We are never proud of our clients for conserving medication for, "just in case," reasons or because of expense. This I did not say to you, however it was all I could think about for a few moments after my panic at the rest of our conversation subsided.
2) Diuretics and blood pressure regulating medications ARE NOT THE SAME. I know you are not in the pharmacological loop, but there is a major difference. Blood pressure regulating medications are just that, they lower (or raise depending on the drug) blood pressure according to dosage. Diuretics are medications that help the body regulate fluid, and are often used in conjunction with blood pressure medication to treat congestive heart failure, as the diuretic will help the body get rid of fluid build up in the lungs and around the heart.
3) Your dog is on enalapril to LOWER her blood pressure. Just because it is one of her, "heart meds," does not meant that you can substitute and extra dose of it for a missing dose of one of her other, "heart meds," unless you want to kill her. Why? Because the dose we have you give her daily regulates her blood pressure to within normal range. Any extra dose will make her blood pressure drop to a dangerous range and she will need emergency care that you obviously cannot afford since I'm sure that if you had that kind of money you'd groom her more often than once every six months to a year.

It is extremely aggravating to come across this blatant idiocy, especially with the frequency that we do. How often do you do this to YOUR doctor?  If you do at all, I pity them. It's one thing to ask a question, it's another to do so and ignore the answer. Open your ears and freakin' listen, otherwise you could accidentally kill your pet and WE would not be to blame.

Same Crap, Different Job

So, recently I've moved and therefore had to change clinics that I work at since a seventeen hours one-way commute is a tad hard on the wallet. We have a larger amount of LVT's here, so they will simply be numbered, and our DVM's will be known as Dr. Young (since she's in her mid 20's) and Dr. Friendly (the practice owner and exceptionally nice woman). I found this change to be a great educational experience, though, since it has taught me that every veterinary clinic is the same in certain aspects: some people you love or hate to work with, you have the annoying clients that do way too much online research and believe everything they read regardless of what their vet tells/shows/gives factual reading material to them for, and the just plain rude clients that are so high and mighty that a fall of their precious pedestal would certainly kill them instantly.
And so I present to you: Letters to Clients Part 3

Dear Mr. Soweird Andrude,
We understand that your Persian kitty is precious to you and he'd been having problems with eye drainage, and thought you'd be glad to hear that there was a solution for this bout: removing the tooth with the root abscess causing the eye drainage. However, we were disappointed to find that you were very ungracious when we offered to start you on a program that included all his routine preventive care that you give him anyways (because you are, in fact, a fantastic pet owner and we truly adore all our clients that are like you in that aspect) as well as a dental cleaning and would actually reduce the cost of this surgery. We were not prepared for you to be tight-lipped and angry when you left our office, though we were understanding seeing as unexpected surgeries are not pleasant.
We could have let that go, but then you returned after Mr. Smashed Face's surgery for a recheck and were told that his sutures hadn't held and got upset again. This is a rather common complication from surgery, and considering the tooth pulled, it was not an easy site to suture in the first place. We even discounted the anesthesia needed to repair it, which we hoped you would appreciate. Again, we understand this sort of situation is frustrating, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CAT TO BITE STAFF MEMBERS.
Is this really how you think it's appropriate to act? We're trying to handle your cat with the utmost care and respect, yet you sit there and say things like, "Go on, bite 'em. It's ok, you won't be in trouble for it," while you scratch his ears or stroke his back. Not cool. Our job is already high-risk, and you're wanting us to get bit and voicing it so that we can all hear? Not smart, sir. Not smart. Lucky for us cats are not trainable as dogs are to bite on command, and lucky for you as well as that has a high possibility of resulting in a law suit. Just some food for thought. Also, we'd appreciate if you would stop snatching your receipts from the receptionist as you've given her a couple rather large paper cuts.
May Your Cat Bless You With Toxoplasmosis,
The Lowly Vet Tech Student


To Mrs. Freakout Aboutnothing,
We were very happy sorely disappointed to hear that you are leaving our clinic, especially considering that incident of which you are most angry over. For the sake of refreshing memories, let's go over the details of what happened.
You had brought your three Yorkies in to see us - Sir Barksalot, Lady Barksalot, and Miss Ilookexacltylike LadyBarksalot - for dental cleanings. You brough ONE carrier for all three dogs and one leash should one of them not do well in the carrier, which is not usually a problem. The problem arose when you asked, "Can you make sure Miss Ilookexactlylike LadyBarksalot is in the carrier by herself?" Sure, no problem, we'll let you borrow one of our leashes for Lady Barksalot. No? You'll just carry her? Ok, since you insist we'll do it your way.
Now you'll recall Licensed Vet Tech 4 is holding Lady Barksalot in the pharmacy while Receptionist is going over your invoice with you and post surgical care instructions as we didn't want you to have to wrestle with her while trying to listen to important information. Lady Barksalot decides that jumping out of LVT 4's arms is great idea, so she does so and is caught in mid-air by my stellar coworker. Lady Barksalot didn't even touch the floor, though it was a near miss. You witnessed this through the pharmacy window and went from 0-Utterly Pissed in 0.5 seconds flat. Impressive, I must say. To make this right, we had Dr. Friendly look at her just to make everything was fine despite her not even touching the floor.
While Dr. Friendly was taking a look at Lady Barksalot, LVT 4 went to talk to you and let you know she was fine like a good customer service agent. Instead of being kind and understanding, you lit into her. Let's remember that this clinic is in the rear of a larger building where clients of the other business were roaming around and shopping. You decided it was appropriate to scream at the top of your lungs at poor LVT 4, saying things like, "I'VE TOLD YOU 100 TIMES, ALL OF YOU, THAT SHE WILL JUMP AND YOU DON'T F***ING LISTEN! SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED FOR THIS!!" and other such ridiculous things.
Considering this information, it makes me wonder why you didn't want Lady Barksalot on a leash. Were you wanting her to jump to have an excuse to leave us? Are you just that freaking stupid? In any case, I don't actually care. I'm just glad you're no longer coming to us with these little monsters that you never bothered to train in obedience, let alone basic manners and house breaking. Not only that, but we don't need your vicious attitude, seeing as you're nothing but snotty and rude no matter how nice, caring, and helpful we try to be. Nothing is ever good enough for you, so you sneer down your nose at everyone else. I pity your new vet, and I hope that one day you realize just how awful you are to people and that it come back to bite you hard in the rear.
May Karma Kick Your Ass,
The Lowly Vet Tech Student.

P.S. I hope your dogs are doing well, and I feel sorry for them as well seeing as they have to live with you.



Dear Mr.Doesntask Rightquestions,
I am extremely displeased with how our encounter went. You came to the reception desk with two prescription cards for prescriptioni foods, each was for a different brand for your dog's kidney problems. You simply handed them to me and I asked if you needed them refilled as they were close to expiring. Instead of saying something like, "No, I'm just confused as to (where to find them/which one I need)," you said, "Which one do I get?" Like a good new employee I looked up your account in our computer system and found that we'd simply filled the prescription cards for the food for you, but had not actually seen your dog as a patient. When I relayed this to you, you cut me off as I was about to excuse myself to go search through our paper files to see if I could figure out the confusion, and said, "No, that's crap. You've seen her." "Well, sir, our computer is only showing the prescriptions here. There are no physical exam notes or anything in he..." "Well then you need to fix your computers. I'm gonna call someone, this is ridiculous!"
At that point stated that if you were confused as to which food you needed to buy then you needed to check with your regular vet, even offering to call them for you to get this sorted out. You stated - quite sourly - that you didn't know what clinic your regular vet was (really???) so I excused myself to look through our paper files.
Upon finding the script that was brought into us, I showed it to you and stated that you needed to call your regular vet as the script was for both foods. You retorted with, "This is bulls**t, I'm calling my boy," and proceeded to start dialing. I tried twice to repeat what I'd already told you twice by now, both times cut off by, "Can I call without you talking?!" By now I was rather upset; I'd been nothing but nice and polite to you and was now so angry I was on the verge of tears. As you called your son (I'm assuming that's who you meant) I took the cards still in hand back to the treatment area and asked one of the techs to please handle you as I was ready to reach over the counter and throttle you for being such a d**k for no reason. LVT 1 volunteered, and this was the conversation with her: "So, I understand there's some confusion as to which food you need?" "Well she has the label! I can't find it!" "Are you trying to find where it is on the shelves?" "Yeah, and she wouldn't tell me!" "Here it is, sir. There's plenty of cans for you to take, and you can check out with them up front at the register. Anything else we can do for you?" "No, this was ridiculous. You need to train your staff better!"
Considering this conversation with her, I have to ask: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK WHERE THEY WERE?! I may be new, but I know what most things are and I would certainly have told you if that had been what you'd asked in the first place. Seriously, how can you expect good service if you don't bother to ask the question you need an answer to? Are we supposed to be mind-readers?? Well, bad news buddy, all our crystal balls are in the shop and won't be done until February 30th. Not only that, but was it necessary to be such a douchenozzle about it?? You can clearly see that I'm doing everything I can to help you and you're just being mean. Learn some manners, and if I have to help you again I'll make sure that repeat your question to you and treat you like you're a complete idiot so as to actually know what you need, since that seems to be the trick. I hope you enjoy your sour life and wallow comfortably in your misery, jerk.
May You Be Treated As You Treat Others,
The Lowly Vet Tech Student

Creative Greetings

So, today I found my mind wandering while holding down the fort in reception since our afternoon receptionist took a sick day. What was I pondering, you ask? For some strange reason I began thinking of creative ways to answer the phone. So far I've come up with the following:

1) "Helen's House of Pain, how may I hurt you today?"
2) "Frank's Mortuary; you stab 'em, we slab 'em."
3) "Rays of Sunshine Tanning Salon, increasing cases of melanoma throughout the U.S., how may I help you?"
4) "Sly Fox Criminals Incorporated; we do the crime, you do the time. How can we be of service?"
5) "Clip & Snip Urology Center, now offering buy one get one free on all vasectomies."
6) "Bone Appetit: Doggy and Me Diner, where you can never love your pet too much. Would you like to share a meal with your best friend?"
7) "Fun Guy Mushroom Emporium; how fun are you?"
8) "Herby's Head Shop, how high do you like to fly?"
9) "You have reached Broken Record customer service, please stay on the line. Please stay on the line. Please stay on the line..."
10) "Falling Timber Arborists, which side of your house would you like to keep?"

I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that I can come up with these, or the fact that I actually have used some when answering my cell and home phone...

Go Go Gadget Bandage Scissors

Recently one of our other assistants (we'll call her Assistant 2) has - proudly - acquired her own set of obnoxious neon green bandage scissors. Now, let me state for the record that most of us have our own sets as the hospital pairs are - frankly - lumps of steel shit that happen to have a scissor-like motion. Since she has acquired these scissors, we've all agreed that she's become a bit too excited about them, however we'll let you guys be the official judges.

Example A -  LVT is bandaging a leg and Assistant 2 is helping. As LVT goes to reach for her own scissors, this happens:
Assistant 2: *shoves her own scissors in LVT's hand* There you go! These are nice and sharp for you. *cheesey grin*

Example B - I am unpacking boxes with my own - recently purchased, EMT grade - scissors as Assistant 2 strolls by.
Assistant 2: Oh, here you go. These are new, so they should work better. *shoves her scissors at my hand*
Me: Uh, thanks, but mine are plenty sharp. I'm good.
Assistant 2: Yeah, but these are newer...Fine. *sighs and leaves dejectedly*

Example C - Dr. Paranoid is looking for suture scissors to do a suture removal.
Assistant 2: Need scissors? Here you go! *offers*
Dr. Paranoid: ...It's a suture removal, I can't use those for it.
Assistant 2: What? Why not? They're nice and sharp, 'cause they're new! *smiles*
Dr. Paranoid: *eyeroll*

Just in case you're not aware, there is a difference between suture scissors and bandage scissors as shown here:



Suture Scissors



Bandage Scissors

 As you can see, the suture scissors have a small dip in the tip so you can hook the suture without shoving a large piece of metal between a tight stitch and the patient, and the bandage scissors have a small wedge at the tip to help slide it gently under the bandaging material so as to cut it. Hopefully this explains Dr. Paranoid's response.

One of THOSE Days

Anyone that's ever worked for any amount of time knows what it means to have One of THOSE Days. The clients are assholes difficult and uncooperative, all the vicious dogs and cats suddenly have become ill, you're short-staffed and there's a bazillion surgeries to get done with only one doctor present and accounted for. You run through the hospital in a panic, on the verge of screaming your only question: "WHERE IS DOCTOR HUSBAND?!" because he has suddenly disappeared into the bowels of the great blackhole that is the attic. Your LVT grabs you and says you have to help her "tank" - use gas anesthesia to sedate a cat in a fish tank with a special lid - the dental cat because Kitty Magic didn't have any effect. Dental Cat turns out to be a feral buzz-saw that is soon on the loose and is absolutely pissed that you dared to touch him. And, of course, the owner shows up to watch the dental right as you're snagging the cat into the nabber - a specially designed net/jaws of life contraption specifically for the eternally P.O.'ed feline - and saying something like, "Gotchya, you little fu-...Oh, oh hi!" The owner is politely escorted back to the lobby because she doesn't want to watch the sedation, and Luci-Fur is dumped into the tank and gassed with iso...only, the tank is cracked on the bottom and no one noticed until someone said, "...Does anyone else smell isoflurane?"

And that's just your morning to start with.

Finally Dr. Husband is located - he was trapped behind a five-bin-high stack of archived x-rays - and brings with him - TAH-DAH! - the other tank that is not broken. Finally, something went right. But...wait, the lid doesn't fit this tank! Oh well, it'll work as long as someone holds it down firmly. Three surgeries later, appointments start, and all seems to be going well until the lady with the man-eating maltese comes in and lets her run loose through the hospital. This is the dog that EVERYONE is afraid of, even the owner. This is the dog that you have to tease with a leash for it to jump in the air, drool dripping jaws snapping at said leash for someone - with welding gloves on, mind - to grab her in mid-air and burrito her in a blanket; and that's just to get a muzzle on the mutt. Fifteen minutes later, she's cornered and our technician has managed to get a hold of her without ending up with missing chunks of flesh (this woman definitely needs a raise). Even better was the last appointment of the day, where an owner was - unfortunately - told that due to the type of cancer their ancient pom-mix has that it's best to not buy a large bag of dog food...maybe not even a medium size bag. 

It's days like this when I enjoy coming home, snuggling up with my puppies - hoping the cat will join, but she rarely does - and being very thankful for having good dogs. (I say dogs, because my cat is vicious when she's at the clinic despite all my efforts to make her chill out and be as sweet there as she is at home. However, there's only so much you can do for cats in that area) I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but it's always nice to have a renewed appreciation for your furry pals. =]

Odds and Evens

It was yesterday that many of our newer employees got to experience the miracle of birth c-section. Bittersweet, though it was (Momma Dog was only 8 months old - which is a HUGE no-no when breeding intentionally), we all had a great time ooohing and ahhing over the four puppies. The funny part? All four were male - very uncommon, as you usually have at least one of the opposite gender in a litter - and three of the four little buggers were liver and white - an uncommon color pattern in Boston terriers, and having three in a littler is practically unheard of. That pretty much wraps it up, but before we part I'd like to present you with....ADORABLE PICTURES! *dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUNNNN*

Strange Bedfellows

So, like most suckers, I allow my pets to sleep on my bed with me at night. Don't look at me like that, they make great bed warmers in the winter when you're trying to keep the heating bill down. I would feel bad saying that, but they DO have fur coats. This morning I was startled awake, not by my alarm as usual, but by someone noisily rolling over on the bed. I opened my eyes only to find...

EXHIBIT A: Drover assuming The Position












That's right, I found this nonsense giving me the, "I can has bellyrubbinz, nao?" look at eight am. The worst part? I rubbed his belly anyways. What can I say? I'm a self-proclaimed sucker.

Family/Client Similarities

It horrifies me to say this, however my family severely reminds me of many of our clients. A great example of this is our clients that call and demand request diagnoses/treatment recommendations over the phone and then become irate when given the standard, "We're legally not allowed to do that," or, "That could be any number of things; it's best to bring Fido in to get a correct diagnosis," which is not only the ethical thing to do, but is much safer for the pet. The clients that do this are usually the ones looking to get out of paying for a vet bill - because, as we all know, the veterinary field is 100% "money grubbers" and not folks who actually care about pet health - and it pains me deeply that my own family has done this to me on, so far, two instances.

Instance One: My sister - who lives overseas - calls me in the middle of the workday, stating that her cat is, "acting like she's drunk," due to some sedatives her vet had given the cat (apparently this feline becomes Luci-fur at their clinic). When told that I'd have to check with one of our docs - her clinic was closed due to the time there and there is no ER vet in that area apparently - she proceeded to yell at me about how "incompetent, and self-centered" I was (...Um, what?). The story ends with her getting her answer via Social Networking Site, after some research on our docs part and the equivalent of pulling teeth to get my sister to tell me what the drugs were. Oi.

Instance Two: Grandma calls at 11:00 pm to tell me that Rufus has a hotspot and ask what she can do to help it. Hotspots - while an easy fix - need to be seen, no matter what. For all I know it was covered in pus and needed antibiotics. My advice? Call the vet. Telling me, "But I called you because you know all that stuff," doesn't work, but thanks for the flattery. I'm not a DVM, simply an assistant, and cannot legally give medical advice over the phone without 1) the pet being seen by a DVM that I work with, and 2) consulting a DVM. Nice try, Grandma. Nice try.

Client Manners: Part 2

It seems that my previous rules suggestions for client manners are being completely ignored have not reached the general public, or were not thorough enough. In light of that, here are a few more suggestions - and reasons to use them - to help everyone have a good experience and prevent arguments/pissed off clinic employees/clients:

1. DO NOT let me get through my whole spiel on the phone and then ask for a business that's not even close to ours, and then argue with me about it. Ex: "Thank you for calling Local Vet Clinic, this is Vet Assistant 1 speaking. How can I help you?" "Uh, is this the DMV?" "...No, this is a vet clinic sir/ma'am." "But the phone book lists you as the DMV." "Yes, they made a clerical error and didn't fix it before the phone books were distributed." "That's false advertisement! Which is illegal!" Etc, etc.

• This does nothing but anger me. I have clearly stated what business we are, and you - on account of being what I refer to as a dumb-dumb - have ignored me a now made an ass out of yourself. Stop wasting my time, and don't accuse me of things that I can't control.

2. When you ask if you can have a refill of a medication that needs A. bloodwork done in order to fill it, or B. an exam because we haven't seen your pet in nearly/over a year, DO NOT get huffy or try to weasel out of it with excuses.

• Your pet's health is at stake here, not to mention we have a legal obligation to see your pet and know that it's getting the correct medication and/or is healthy enough for those meds before giving out refills. This especially goes for medications like heartworm preventative (which an annual test is recommended for so as to not accidentally kill your pet by killing heartworms if they have them) and any medication that needs bloodwork done annually. The bloodwork is to make sure that the levels of the drug in their system is appropriate, it is not our fault the tests can be expensive. Take that one up with the companies that make/run the tests. 

3.  DO NOT bring your pet in for an elective surgery (dental cleanings, fatty mass removals, declawing, etc), sign all the papers, and then ask if you can do a payment plan after we've done the surgery.

• Not having the money is NOT an excuse, especially for an elective surgery. You should have had the money ready to give to us BEFORE setting up the appointment. 
• Yes, we will have you fill out a Care Credit application before we agree to a payment plan, thanks to asswipes people like you that have screwed us in the past by not holding to the agreements. That is the reason for our, "PAYMENT IS REQUIRED AT THE TIME OF SERVICES," plaques in all our exam rooms and the lobby. 
• You wouldn't do this to your doctor, so don't do it to your pet's. 

4. We have an open door policy, so if you want to watch your pet's surgery, you're more than welcome to. However, DO NOT tell us you will be there at 1 pm for the surgeryand then have the audacity to show up an hour and a half late and be angry with us.

• First of all, we don't have set times for each surgery, so by scheduling a time to show up at all, you're putting us in a time crunch. Our method is to make sure we have both doctors each working on a patient during our surgery time, and we usually figure out the best way to make use of our surgery time as we go.
• Getting angry with us because we either did your pet before you got there - since you didn't call us to let us know you would be late AND we couldn't reach you on the number you left, we assumed you weren't going to show - or because we hadn't done your pet yet and now you have to wait a few minutes for us to finish one surgery before starting on the your companion's does nothing but piss us off. NEWS FLASH: Your time is not more valuable than ours, and since we're working with individuals under anesthesia you should be understanding instead of cussing us out. 

5. Please do not yell at the receptionist because you didn't know that your pet was five years overdue for vaccines and we require they all be updated in order for them to board or stay even for just the day.

•  This is required for the safety of not only the other pets in the clinic, but for your pet's health as well. We do not vaccinate simply because we're "money grubbing assholes," you asshole. 

6. Please do not yell at ANY of the staff because you couldn't be bothered to bring Chi-Chi's rabies certificate or any shot records at all. We WILL revaccinate if we don't have the records, simply for the safety of our staff and for your own legal protection.

• Telling us that Local No Kill Shelter did the vaccines isn't going to fly, as we are - literally - NEVER able to reach them and pretty much have to assume you're lying due to the lack of records.

Hopefully this has been helpful in giving us better behaved clients. =]

Funny How That Works...

Is it just me, or is the world chock full of people that need to go into the "Stupid" category? And when I say stupid, I mean people that are - literally  - a complete waste of oxygen and space that could be used by someone with significantly more intelligence. Here is a great example from today of an entire family whose cumulative I.Q. is somewhere below room temperature (keep in mind that an I.Q. score lower than 75 is considered mentally retarded, and room temperature is considered ~72 degrees Fahrenheit).

Setting: Exam room with Dr. Wife, doing a quick abdominal ultrasound to confirm pregnancy in an 8 month old German shepherd*, the client and her teenage daughter standing there with a typical drool donkey expression on both of their faces

Dr. Wife: "Yep, she's definitely pregnant. See that movement there? That's a puppy's heartbeat, and it looks like she may have several in there. We can do x-rays when she's about one week out from whelping to count the pups, that way you'll have a better idea as to how many to expect and can be prepared if something goes wrong."

Ms. Nocommonsense: "But that's impossible! The only boy dog she's around is our other shepherd, and that's her brother. They wouldn't do that. Ever."

Dr. Wife: "Dogs don't discern between siblings. Even if they are brother and sister, if he's intact he'll still try to mate with her. Has he been neutered?"

Ms. Nocommonsense Jr.: "No, but she still can't be pregnant. The only time they're together is during the day outside, so there's no way they'd...do....that."

Dr. Wife: "...You do know that conception can happen during the day, right?"

Both Nocommonsenses: *slack-jawed stunned expressions*

Me: *after the clients had left with their info sheets* "That girl is SO going to get pregnant before she graduates high school."

Dr. Wife: "Oh, God, I hope not. Those people do not need to be breeding, their dogs or themselves."

* Side Note: When it comes to breeding, the recommendation is that ANY dog be at least TWO YEARS OLD before breeding. God, I hate dumb people.

More To Love In Less Time

It's time to talk about the elephant in the room, folks. Oh, oops, you mean that's your beagle??

Seriously, though, pet obesity has become a pandemic. Let's look at some statistics: 58% of cats in the U.S. are obese - approximately 54 million - and 45% of dogs are obese in the U.S. as well - about 35 million. A 14 year study by Purina has shown that pets with an ideal body condition score (BCS) live an average of 1.8 years longer than overweight pets. 

But Fluffy just looks so cute with a little extra chub, right? That may be so, but the health risks for overweight pets far outweighs that cuteness - no pun intended. Not only does being overweight contribute to diabetes, exacerbates arthritis pain, and is overall dangerous for your pet, but there is no reason - or excuse -  for a dog that's supposed to weigh 20lbs to weigh 75lbs. Not only is that unfair, but it's cruel. Overweight pets have more respiratory problems - they can't cool down as quickly as normal, the extra weight on their lungs causes them to breathe more heavily (ever heard an obese person next to you breathing loudly simply due to their weight and it's annoying? Yeah, your pet has to go through the same thing), some breeds are more prone to obesity as well and therefore have shorter lifespans if not fed properly- and often become so accustomed to having extra food and goodies that they perform food seeking behavior in order to sucker you into giving in and giving them that double cheeseburger from Burger Lard.

Before I get into that, though, I'd like to state that this is directed towards owners that WAY overfeed, and not towards those with pets that have genuine health problems that cause obesity - Cushing's disease, hypothyroidism, pets on steroids/anti-seizure meds, etc. - as those pets are typically on medications to help reduce their weight. 

So, you may be thinking: "My pet is overweight, but how do I start them on a diet?" Here are some key notes for that:

1. First and foremost, ALWAYS consult your VETERINARIAN before starting your pet on a diet. Yes, that kid at the Pet Depot seems to know a lot about different foods, but remember: your veterinarian went through many years of very rigorous school to obtain their degree, and can even refer you to a veterinary nutrition specialist if need be. Veterinarians also are able to prescribe special foods designed to promote weight-loss. Can the kid at Pet Depot do that? No. Nothing can top advice from your veterinarian when it comes to your pet. 
2. Keep in mind that you may not see results immediately. Weight-loss for pets needs to be slow. 1lb in a dog is equal to 5lbs in humans, and you need to remember that your veterinarian has a percentage of their body weight they want FiFi to lose each week/month. 
3. If you go for a nutrition consult BRING THE DOG FOOD BAG. Saying, "Uh, it's that blue bag that's at Pet Depot on the top shelf next to the yellow bags," is not a good answer when asked what you're feeding your dog. The best we can do is guess, and each different food has different information on the nutrition label - which you should be reading when picking out dog food instead of getting what's cheapest/on sale/the store clerk says is "the best".
4. After consulting your veterinarian about how much Fido should be eating daily, measure out his/her food and feed twice daily - make sure to feed ONLY dog food, table scraps and such are NOT allowed when your pet is dieting. Free feeding may be convenient, and the same with feeding once daily, however feeding twice daily has been shown to not only help regulate body weight, but also helps keep your pets blood sugar more regulated throughout the day which helps in preventing diabetes. 
5. Measure out treats as well, and consult your vet as to what types of treats are appropriate. Crunch Bones may be Spike's favorite treat, but certain raw veggies are better for his health and can help with his weight-loss. Not to mention, he'll probably enjoy the "people food" you've given him. 
6. Set small goals for exercise; if Buster isn't used to long daily walks, start by walking down the road 1-2 houses every other day and slowly increase your distance. The same goes for play; start with short time allotments, and increase slowly to help build stamina. This will help yours too!
7. Do not regret missed walks. Life can get in the way sometimes, we all know this. Simply do your best to make exercise as regular as possible so as to help Buddy reach his goal weight.

Now, back to food seeking behaviors. How can you counteract these so Fido doesn't con you into ruining his diet? A few tips are as follows: 

• Confine the pet while preparing human food.
• Feed during human meals so as to prevent begging at the table (you can also take a portion of their allotted food for the day and give them as treats at the table, so their not missing any of their diet and not getting anything extra either).
• Ignore any and all begging - this only works if it is COMPLETELY ignored, that means no eye contact, touching, or even the classic, "SHUT UP!"
• Keep food in pet proof containers for those that counter surf.
• Use exercise and play to bond with your pal, not food - more exercise and play does not mean that you can give them more food, though, if you're aiming for weight-loss. 
• For cats, they CAN be trained! Using favorite toys, treat dispensing toys, and small rewards for ticks, cats can soon learn adorable behaviors that allow you to bond with KeeKee more than ever.

Side note: for some reason, it seems that pretty much ALL diabetic cats are vicious assholes more grumpy than your non-diabetic feline. This is just my own observation, not a proven fact. Now let's get out there and have healthy happy pets!!

Post Script: For those owners with obese pets that are interested in a weight-loss program for their pet, check out Purina Veterinary Diets: Project Pet Slim Down and see if your veterinary clinic is participating! ( I am not paid to advertise this, it's just a really good program - my own place of work is participating and we've seen some really great results so far!)

It's Not Murder, It's HUMANE

Little in life truly bothers me, however - as you all know - neglect of a pet is one subject that REALLY burns my toast. I understand if someone doesn't have the money to treat certain conditions, and I also understand that chronic problems are expensive to treat in the vast majority of cases. HOWEVER, it is one thing to try treating them and give up - possibly euthanize - and another to just let your dog suffer.

Case and point:
Patient: Snotty McCantbreathe
Breed: Shih-tzu
Age and Sex: 14y, spayed female
Problems: Severe environmental allergies, chronic bronchitis, HUGE lipomas (fatty tumors) that impede her ability to defecate some days, severe dermatitis, etc, etc, etc.
Statement Regarding Euthanasia from Ms. Dontcareshe McCantbreathe: "I just don't think I could kill my sweet little puppy. I've had her for so long, it'd be like murder!" (This she says at every talk any of our docs have with her regarding putting the poor dog to sleep)

Now, I'm sure you're asking, "Does she just not have the money and is making an excuse?" My response would be, if that's the case then she should sell one of her five Gucci bags - and that's only the ones I've seen, so there may be more - to pay for it. Otherwise, she's just being a shithead and always had been seeing as she's never even attempted to treat her supposedly "beloved puppy dog" for her illnesses. That's right, I said it. This woman is more concerned about her own feelings regarding the dog than the dog's own happiness and well-being. It is obvious that poor little Snotty McCantbreathe is very unhappy: her tail droops all the time, she's mostly bald, she's nearly blind and completely deaf, has a difficult time defecating most days, coughs and wheezes on a constant basis, is most likely arthritic, smells like fermenting garbage left in the sun for an entire summer in the desert, and is so greasy from her skin problems that it's like trying to hold onto oil-coated turkey.

This is addressed to all the owners out there like this. Euthanasia - by definition - means "good passing." It's a way for us to give our beloved companions a way to pass away with the dignity they deserve and it's pain-free. Most vets will sedate a pet before administering the medication, and the medication itself is an overdose of an aesthetic agent so your pet will pass away euphorically in a very deep sleep. If you can sit there and watch a pet like Snotty McCantbreathe wallow in misery day after day, you sicken me. Hoping that they "just pass away in the night" is ABSOLUTELY NOT ACCEPTABLE. Euthanasia is not murder, it's humane. There is no pain in heaven. If your pet is suffering, please give them this gift if you are unable to treat their illness.