Don't Just Hear, Freaking Listen...Please.

I've noticed a sometimes panic-inducing trend in clients: they hear but don't listen. This was most prominent in a conversation with a client recently. It is incredibly important to pay attention to what your veterinary staff tells you, we don't talk just to hear our heads rattle. That being said, I present another Letter To A Client.
Dear Ms. Almost Killmydog,
 Fifi has had a cough for a few days so you brought her in to be checked, which was a good idea. We had been treating her for congestive heart failure and it was suggested changing her furosemide (diuretic) dosage frequency from once to twice a day to help get the fluid out of her lungs and from around her heart, which is why she is coughing. We sent you on your way having been reassured that you had her, "heart meds at home," only to receive a phone call from you later that afternoon. What's that? The only medications you have for her at home are metronidazole and enalapril? Ok, let me look up your notes. Hmm, it seems it was furosemide that was suggested to be increased and you should not have left over metronidazole since that is an antibiotic and will not help her coughing. No, that does not mean that Dr. Friendly meant the enalapril, it says furosemide and we would be happy to get you a refill if you need one. No, that does not mean you can just give an extra enalapril. No, do not give extra enalapril. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN DON'T DO IT!! Listen to what I am saying, don't just let it go in one ear and out the other! Especially when it comes to medications, and here's why:
1) When it comes to antibiotics, ALWAYS finish them regardless of if they're yours or your pet's. The reason for this is that the first few doses get the weaklings, and the more of the antibiotic you take the more of the infectious bacteria you kill off. This is why you're asked to take them for a certain number of days. If you tell your vet staff that Fifi has left over antibiotics, you can be sure that they will tell the rest of the staff and we'll all roll our eyes and think you're an idiot. We'd like to avoid that and be proud of our clients for being smart enough to simply finish giving a medication for the prescribed treatment period. It's really not that hard. We are never proud of our clients for conserving medication for, "just in case," reasons or because of expense. This I did not say to you, however it was all I could think about for a few moments after my panic at the rest of our conversation subsided.
2) Diuretics and blood pressure regulating medications ARE NOT THE SAME. I know you are not in the pharmacological loop, but there is a major difference. Blood pressure regulating medications are just that, they lower (or raise depending on the drug) blood pressure according to dosage. Diuretics are medications that help the body regulate fluid, and are often used in conjunction with blood pressure medication to treat congestive heart failure, as the diuretic will help the body get rid of fluid build up in the lungs and around the heart.
3) Your dog is on enalapril to LOWER her blood pressure. Just because it is one of her, "heart meds," does not meant that you can substitute and extra dose of it for a missing dose of one of her other, "heart meds," unless you want to kill her. Why? Because the dose we have you give her daily regulates her blood pressure to within normal range. Any extra dose will make her blood pressure drop to a dangerous range and she will need emergency care that you obviously cannot afford since I'm sure that if you had that kind of money you'd groom her more often than once every six months to a year.

It is extremely aggravating to come across this blatant idiocy, especially with the frequency that we do. How often do you do this to YOUR doctor?  If you do at all, I pity them. It's one thing to ask a question, it's another to do so and ignore the answer. Open your ears and freakin' listen, otherwise you could accidentally kill your pet and WE would not be to blame.

Same Crap, Different Job

So, recently I've moved and therefore had to change clinics that I work at since a seventeen hours one-way commute is a tad hard on the wallet. We have a larger amount of LVT's here, so they will simply be numbered, and our DVM's will be known as Dr. Young (since she's in her mid 20's) and Dr. Friendly (the practice owner and exceptionally nice woman). I found this change to be a great educational experience, though, since it has taught me that every veterinary clinic is the same in certain aspects: some people you love or hate to work with, you have the annoying clients that do way too much online research and believe everything they read regardless of what their vet tells/shows/gives factual reading material to them for, and the just plain rude clients that are so high and mighty that a fall of their precious pedestal would certainly kill them instantly.
And so I present to you: Letters to Clients Part 3

Dear Mr. Soweird Andrude,
We understand that your Persian kitty is precious to you and he'd been having problems with eye drainage, and thought you'd be glad to hear that there was a solution for this bout: removing the tooth with the root abscess causing the eye drainage. However, we were disappointed to find that you were very ungracious when we offered to start you on a program that included all his routine preventive care that you give him anyways (because you are, in fact, a fantastic pet owner and we truly adore all our clients that are like you in that aspect) as well as a dental cleaning and would actually reduce the cost of this surgery. We were not prepared for you to be tight-lipped and angry when you left our office, though we were understanding seeing as unexpected surgeries are not pleasant.
We could have let that go, but then you returned after Mr. Smashed Face's surgery for a recheck and were told that his sutures hadn't held and got upset again. This is a rather common complication from surgery, and considering the tooth pulled, it was not an easy site to suture in the first place. We even discounted the anesthesia needed to repair it, which we hoped you would appreciate. Again, we understand this sort of situation is frustrating, but there is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO ENCOURAGE YOUR CAT TO BITE STAFF MEMBERS.
Is this really how you think it's appropriate to act? We're trying to handle your cat with the utmost care and respect, yet you sit there and say things like, "Go on, bite 'em. It's ok, you won't be in trouble for it," while you scratch his ears or stroke his back. Not cool. Our job is already high-risk, and you're wanting us to get bit and voicing it so that we can all hear? Not smart, sir. Not smart. Lucky for us cats are not trainable as dogs are to bite on command, and lucky for you as well as that has a high possibility of resulting in a law suit. Just some food for thought. Also, we'd appreciate if you would stop snatching your receipts from the receptionist as you've given her a couple rather large paper cuts.
May Your Cat Bless You With Toxoplasmosis,
The Lowly Vet Tech Student


To Mrs. Freakout Aboutnothing,
We were very happy sorely disappointed to hear that you are leaving our clinic, especially considering that incident of which you are most angry over. For the sake of refreshing memories, let's go over the details of what happened.
You had brought your three Yorkies in to see us - Sir Barksalot, Lady Barksalot, and Miss Ilookexacltylike LadyBarksalot - for dental cleanings. You brough ONE carrier for all three dogs and one leash should one of them not do well in the carrier, which is not usually a problem. The problem arose when you asked, "Can you make sure Miss Ilookexactlylike LadyBarksalot is in the carrier by herself?" Sure, no problem, we'll let you borrow one of our leashes for Lady Barksalot. No? You'll just carry her? Ok, since you insist we'll do it your way.
Now you'll recall Licensed Vet Tech 4 is holding Lady Barksalot in the pharmacy while Receptionist is going over your invoice with you and post surgical care instructions as we didn't want you to have to wrestle with her while trying to listen to important information. Lady Barksalot decides that jumping out of LVT 4's arms is great idea, so she does so and is caught in mid-air by my stellar coworker. Lady Barksalot didn't even touch the floor, though it was a near miss. You witnessed this through the pharmacy window and went from 0-Utterly Pissed in 0.5 seconds flat. Impressive, I must say. To make this right, we had Dr. Friendly look at her just to make everything was fine despite her not even touching the floor.
While Dr. Friendly was taking a look at Lady Barksalot, LVT 4 went to talk to you and let you know she was fine like a good customer service agent. Instead of being kind and understanding, you lit into her. Let's remember that this clinic is in the rear of a larger building where clients of the other business were roaming around and shopping. You decided it was appropriate to scream at the top of your lungs at poor LVT 4, saying things like, "I'VE TOLD YOU 100 TIMES, ALL OF YOU, THAT SHE WILL JUMP AND YOU DON'T F***ING LISTEN! SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL HAVE YOU FIRED FOR THIS!!" and other such ridiculous things.
Considering this information, it makes me wonder why you didn't want Lady Barksalot on a leash. Were you wanting her to jump to have an excuse to leave us? Are you just that freaking stupid? In any case, I don't actually care. I'm just glad you're no longer coming to us with these little monsters that you never bothered to train in obedience, let alone basic manners and house breaking. Not only that, but we don't need your vicious attitude, seeing as you're nothing but snotty and rude no matter how nice, caring, and helpful we try to be. Nothing is ever good enough for you, so you sneer down your nose at everyone else. I pity your new vet, and I hope that one day you realize just how awful you are to people and that it come back to bite you hard in the rear.
May Karma Kick Your Ass,
The Lowly Vet Tech Student.

P.S. I hope your dogs are doing well, and I feel sorry for them as well seeing as they have to live with you.



Dear Mr.Doesntask Rightquestions,
I am extremely displeased with how our encounter went. You came to the reception desk with two prescription cards for prescriptioni foods, each was for a different brand for your dog's kidney problems. You simply handed them to me and I asked if you needed them refilled as they were close to expiring. Instead of saying something like, "No, I'm just confused as to (where to find them/which one I need)," you said, "Which one do I get?" Like a good new employee I looked up your account in our computer system and found that we'd simply filled the prescription cards for the food for you, but had not actually seen your dog as a patient. When I relayed this to you, you cut me off as I was about to excuse myself to go search through our paper files to see if I could figure out the confusion, and said, "No, that's crap. You've seen her." "Well, sir, our computer is only showing the prescriptions here. There are no physical exam notes or anything in he..." "Well then you need to fix your computers. I'm gonna call someone, this is ridiculous!"
At that point stated that if you were confused as to which food you needed to buy then you needed to check with your regular vet, even offering to call them for you to get this sorted out. You stated - quite sourly - that you didn't know what clinic your regular vet was (really???) so I excused myself to look through our paper files.
Upon finding the script that was brought into us, I showed it to you and stated that you needed to call your regular vet as the script was for both foods. You retorted with, "This is bulls**t, I'm calling my boy," and proceeded to start dialing. I tried twice to repeat what I'd already told you twice by now, both times cut off by, "Can I call without you talking?!" By now I was rather upset; I'd been nothing but nice and polite to you and was now so angry I was on the verge of tears. As you called your son (I'm assuming that's who you meant) I took the cards still in hand back to the treatment area and asked one of the techs to please handle you as I was ready to reach over the counter and throttle you for being such a d**k for no reason. LVT 1 volunteered, and this was the conversation with her: "So, I understand there's some confusion as to which food you need?" "Well she has the label! I can't find it!" "Are you trying to find where it is on the shelves?" "Yeah, and she wouldn't tell me!" "Here it is, sir. There's plenty of cans for you to take, and you can check out with them up front at the register. Anything else we can do for you?" "No, this was ridiculous. You need to train your staff better!"
Considering this conversation with her, I have to ask: WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST ASK WHERE THEY WERE?! I may be new, but I know what most things are and I would certainly have told you if that had been what you'd asked in the first place. Seriously, how can you expect good service if you don't bother to ask the question you need an answer to? Are we supposed to be mind-readers?? Well, bad news buddy, all our crystal balls are in the shop and won't be done until February 30th. Not only that, but was it necessary to be such a douchenozzle about it?? You can clearly see that I'm doing everything I can to help you and you're just being mean. Learn some manners, and if I have to help you again I'll make sure that repeat your question to you and treat you like you're a complete idiot so as to actually know what you need, since that seems to be the trick. I hope you enjoy your sour life and wallow comfortably in your misery, jerk.
May You Be Treated As You Treat Others,
The Lowly Vet Tech Student

Creative Greetings

So, today I found my mind wandering while holding down the fort in reception since our afternoon receptionist took a sick day. What was I pondering, you ask? For some strange reason I began thinking of creative ways to answer the phone. So far I've come up with the following:

1) "Helen's House of Pain, how may I hurt you today?"
2) "Frank's Mortuary; you stab 'em, we slab 'em."
3) "Rays of Sunshine Tanning Salon, increasing cases of melanoma throughout the U.S., how may I help you?"
4) "Sly Fox Criminals Incorporated; we do the crime, you do the time. How can we be of service?"
5) "Clip & Snip Urology Center, now offering buy one get one free on all vasectomies."
6) "Bone Appetit: Doggy and Me Diner, where you can never love your pet too much. Would you like to share a meal with your best friend?"
7) "Fun Guy Mushroom Emporium; how fun are you?"
8) "Herby's Head Shop, how high do you like to fly?"
9) "You have reached Broken Record customer service, please stay on the line. Please stay on the line. Please stay on the line..."
10) "Falling Timber Arborists, which side of your house would you like to keep?"

I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that I can come up with these, or the fact that I actually have used some when answering my cell and home phone...

Go Go Gadget Bandage Scissors

Recently one of our other assistants (we'll call her Assistant 2) has - proudly - acquired her own set of obnoxious neon green bandage scissors. Now, let me state for the record that most of us have our own sets as the hospital pairs are - frankly - lumps of steel shit that happen to have a scissor-like motion. Since she has acquired these scissors, we've all agreed that she's become a bit too excited about them, however we'll let you guys be the official judges.

Example A -  LVT is bandaging a leg and Assistant 2 is helping. As LVT goes to reach for her own scissors, this happens:
Assistant 2: *shoves her own scissors in LVT's hand* There you go! These are nice and sharp for you. *cheesey grin*

Example B - I am unpacking boxes with my own - recently purchased, EMT grade - scissors as Assistant 2 strolls by.
Assistant 2: Oh, here you go. These are new, so they should work better. *shoves her scissors at my hand*
Me: Uh, thanks, but mine are plenty sharp. I'm good.
Assistant 2: Yeah, but these are newer...Fine. *sighs and leaves dejectedly*

Example C - Dr. Paranoid is looking for suture scissors to do a suture removal.
Assistant 2: Need scissors? Here you go! *offers*
Dr. Paranoid: ...It's a suture removal, I can't use those for it.
Assistant 2: What? Why not? They're nice and sharp, 'cause they're new! *smiles*
Dr. Paranoid: *eyeroll*

Just in case you're not aware, there is a difference between suture scissors and bandage scissors as shown here:



Suture Scissors



Bandage Scissors

 As you can see, the suture scissors have a small dip in the tip so you can hook the suture without shoving a large piece of metal between a tight stitch and the patient, and the bandage scissors have a small wedge at the tip to help slide it gently under the bandaging material so as to cut it. Hopefully this explains Dr. Paranoid's response.

One of THOSE Days

Anyone that's ever worked for any amount of time knows what it means to have One of THOSE Days. The clients are assholes difficult and uncooperative, all the vicious dogs and cats suddenly have become ill, you're short-staffed and there's a bazillion surgeries to get done with only one doctor present and accounted for. You run through the hospital in a panic, on the verge of screaming your only question: "WHERE IS DOCTOR HUSBAND?!" because he has suddenly disappeared into the bowels of the great blackhole that is the attic. Your LVT grabs you and says you have to help her "tank" - use gas anesthesia to sedate a cat in a fish tank with a special lid - the dental cat because Kitty Magic didn't have any effect. Dental Cat turns out to be a feral buzz-saw that is soon on the loose and is absolutely pissed that you dared to touch him. And, of course, the owner shows up to watch the dental right as you're snagging the cat into the nabber - a specially designed net/jaws of life contraption specifically for the eternally P.O.'ed feline - and saying something like, "Gotchya, you little fu-...Oh, oh hi!" The owner is politely escorted back to the lobby because she doesn't want to watch the sedation, and Luci-Fur is dumped into the tank and gassed with iso...only, the tank is cracked on the bottom and no one noticed until someone said, "...Does anyone else smell isoflurane?"

And that's just your morning to start with.

Finally Dr. Husband is located - he was trapped behind a five-bin-high stack of archived x-rays - and brings with him - TAH-DAH! - the other tank that is not broken. Finally, something went right. But...wait, the lid doesn't fit this tank! Oh well, it'll work as long as someone holds it down firmly. Three surgeries later, appointments start, and all seems to be going well until the lady with the man-eating maltese comes in and lets her run loose through the hospital. This is the dog that EVERYONE is afraid of, even the owner. This is the dog that you have to tease with a leash for it to jump in the air, drool dripping jaws snapping at said leash for someone - with welding gloves on, mind - to grab her in mid-air and burrito her in a blanket; and that's just to get a muzzle on the mutt. Fifteen minutes later, she's cornered and our technician has managed to get a hold of her without ending up with missing chunks of flesh (this woman definitely needs a raise). Even better was the last appointment of the day, where an owner was - unfortunately - told that due to the type of cancer their ancient pom-mix has that it's best to not buy a large bag of dog food...maybe not even a medium size bag. 

It's days like this when I enjoy coming home, snuggling up with my puppies - hoping the cat will join, but she rarely does - and being very thankful for having good dogs. (I say dogs, because my cat is vicious when she's at the clinic despite all my efforts to make her chill out and be as sweet there as she is at home. However, there's only so much you can do for cats in that area) I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but it's always nice to have a renewed appreciation for your furry pals. =]

Odds and Evens

It was yesterday that many of our newer employees got to experience the miracle of birth c-section. Bittersweet, though it was (Momma Dog was only 8 months old - which is a HUGE no-no when breeding intentionally), we all had a great time ooohing and ahhing over the four puppies. The funny part? All four were male - very uncommon, as you usually have at least one of the opposite gender in a litter - and three of the four little buggers were liver and white - an uncommon color pattern in Boston terriers, and having three in a littler is practically unheard of. That pretty much wraps it up, but before we part I'd like to present you with....ADORABLE PICTURES! *dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUNNNN*

Strange Bedfellows

So, like most suckers, I allow my pets to sleep on my bed with me at night. Don't look at me like that, they make great bed warmers in the winter when you're trying to keep the heating bill down. I would feel bad saying that, but they DO have fur coats. This morning I was startled awake, not by my alarm as usual, but by someone noisily rolling over on the bed. I opened my eyes only to find...

EXHIBIT A: Drover assuming The Position












That's right, I found this nonsense giving me the, "I can has bellyrubbinz, nao?" look at eight am. The worst part? I rubbed his belly anyways. What can I say? I'm a self-proclaimed sucker.