Creative Greetings

So, today I found my mind wandering while holding down the fort in reception since our afternoon receptionist took a sick day. What was I pondering, you ask? For some strange reason I began thinking of creative ways to answer the phone. So far I've come up with the following:

1) "Helen's House of Pain, how may I hurt you today?"
2) "Frank's Mortuary; you stab 'em, we slab 'em."
3) "Rays of Sunshine Tanning Salon, increasing cases of melanoma throughout the U.S., how may I help you?"
4) "Sly Fox Criminals Incorporated; we do the crime, you do the time. How can we be of service?"
5) "Clip & Snip Urology Center, now offering buy one get one free on all vasectomies."
6) "Bone Appetit: Doggy and Me Diner, where you can never love your pet too much. Would you like to share a meal with your best friend?"
7) "Fun Guy Mushroom Emporium; how fun are you?"
8) "Herby's Head Shop, how high do you like to fly?"
9) "You have reached Broken Record customer service, please stay on the line. Please stay on the line. Please stay on the line..."
10) "Falling Timber Arborists, which side of your house would you like to keep?"

I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that I can come up with these, or the fact that I actually have used some when answering my cell and home phone...

Go Go Gadget Bandage Scissors

Recently one of our other assistants (we'll call her Assistant 2) has - proudly - acquired her own set of obnoxious neon green bandage scissors. Now, let me state for the record that most of us have our own sets as the hospital pairs are - frankly - lumps of steel shit that happen to have a scissor-like motion. Since she has acquired these scissors, we've all agreed that she's become a bit too excited about them, however we'll let you guys be the official judges.

Example A -  LVT is bandaging a leg and Assistant 2 is helping. As LVT goes to reach for her own scissors, this happens:
Assistant 2: *shoves her own scissors in LVT's hand* There you go! These are nice and sharp for you. *cheesey grin*

Example B - I am unpacking boxes with my own - recently purchased, EMT grade - scissors as Assistant 2 strolls by.
Assistant 2: Oh, here you go. These are new, so they should work better. *shoves her scissors at my hand*
Me: Uh, thanks, but mine are plenty sharp. I'm good.
Assistant 2: Yeah, but these are newer...Fine. *sighs and leaves dejectedly*

Example C - Dr. Paranoid is looking for suture scissors to do a suture removal.
Assistant 2: Need scissors? Here you go! *offers*
Dr. Paranoid: ...It's a suture removal, I can't use those for it.
Assistant 2: What? Why not? They're nice and sharp, 'cause they're new! *smiles*
Dr. Paranoid: *eyeroll*

Just in case you're not aware, there is a difference between suture scissors and bandage scissors as shown here:



Suture Scissors



Bandage Scissors

 As you can see, the suture scissors have a small dip in the tip so you can hook the suture without shoving a large piece of metal between a tight stitch and the patient, and the bandage scissors have a small wedge at the tip to help slide it gently under the bandaging material so as to cut it. Hopefully this explains Dr. Paranoid's response.

One of THOSE Days

Anyone that's ever worked for any amount of time knows what it means to have One of THOSE Days. The clients are assholes difficult and uncooperative, all the vicious dogs and cats suddenly have become ill, you're short-staffed and there's a bazillion surgeries to get done with only one doctor present and accounted for. You run through the hospital in a panic, on the verge of screaming your only question: "WHERE IS DOCTOR HUSBAND?!" because he has suddenly disappeared into the bowels of the great blackhole that is the attic. Your LVT grabs you and says you have to help her "tank" - use gas anesthesia to sedate a cat in a fish tank with a special lid - the dental cat because Kitty Magic didn't have any effect. Dental Cat turns out to be a feral buzz-saw that is soon on the loose and is absolutely pissed that you dared to touch him. And, of course, the owner shows up to watch the dental right as you're snagging the cat into the nabber - a specially designed net/jaws of life contraption specifically for the eternally P.O.'ed feline - and saying something like, "Gotchya, you little fu-...Oh, oh hi!" The owner is politely escorted back to the lobby because she doesn't want to watch the sedation, and Luci-Fur is dumped into the tank and gassed with iso...only, the tank is cracked on the bottom and no one noticed until someone said, "...Does anyone else smell isoflurane?"

And that's just your morning to start with.

Finally Dr. Husband is located - he was trapped behind a five-bin-high stack of archived x-rays - and brings with him - TAH-DAH! - the other tank that is not broken. Finally, something went right. But...wait, the lid doesn't fit this tank! Oh well, it'll work as long as someone holds it down firmly. Three surgeries later, appointments start, and all seems to be going well until the lady with the man-eating maltese comes in and lets her run loose through the hospital. This is the dog that EVERYONE is afraid of, even the owner. This is the dog that you have to tease with a leash for it to jump in the air, drool dripping jaws snapping at said leash for someone - with welding gloves on, mind - to grab her in mid-air and burrito her in a blanket; and that's just to get a muzzle on the mutt. Fifteen minutes later, she's cornered and our technician has managed to get a hold of her without ending up with missing chunks of flesh (this woman definitely needs a raise). Even better was the last appointment of the day, where an owner was - unfortunately - told that due to the type of cancer their ancient pom-mix has that it's best to not buy a large bag of dog food...maybe not even a medium size bag. 

It's days like this when I enjoy coming home, snuggling up with my puppies - hoping the cat will join, but she rarely does - and being very thankful for having good dogs. (I say dogs, because my cat is vicious when she's at the clinic despite all my efforts to make her chill out and be as sweet there as she is at home. However, there's only so much you can do for cats in that area) I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but it's always nice to have a renewed appreciation for your furry pals. =]

Odds and Evens

It was yesterday that many of our newer employees got to experience the miracle of birth c-section. Bittersweet, though it was (Momma Dog was only 8 months old - which is a HUGE no-no when breeding intentionally), we all had a great time ooohing and ahhing over the four puppies. The funny part? All four were male - very uncommon, as you usually have at least one of the opposite gender in a litter - and three of the four little buggers were liver and white - an uncommon color pattern in Boston terriers, and having three in a littler is practically unheard of. That pretty much wraps it up, but before we part I'd like to present you with....ADORABLE PICTURES! *dun dun DUUUUUUUUUUNNNN*

Strange Bedfellows

So, like most suckers, I allow my pets to sleep on my bed with me at night. Don't look at me like that, they make great bed warmers in the winter when you're trying to keep the heating bill down. I would feel bad saying that, but they DO have fur coats. This morning I was startled awake, not by my alarm as usual, but by someone noisily rolling over on the bed. I opened my eyes only to find...

EXHIBIT A: Drover assuming The Position












That's right, I found this nonsense giving me the, "I can has bellyrubbinz, nao?" look at eight am. The worst part? I rubbed his belly anyways. What can I say? I'm a self-proclaimed sucker.

Family/Client Similarities

It horrifies me to say this, however my family severely reminds me of many of our clients. A great example of this is our clients that call and demand request diagnoses/treatment recommendations over the phone and then become irate when given the standard, "We're legally not allowed to do that," or, "That could be any number of things; it's best to bring Fido in to get a correct diagnosis," which is not only the ethical thing to do, but is much safer for the pet. The clients that do this are usually the ones looking to get out of paying for a vet bill - because, as we all know, the veterinary field is 100% "money grubbers" and not folks who actually care about pet health - and it pains me deeply that my own family has done this to me on, so far, two instances.

Instance One: My sister - who lives overseas - calls me in the middle of the workday, stating that her cat is, "acting like she's drunk," due to some sedatives her vet had given the cat (apparently this feline becomes Luci-fur at their clinic). When told that I'd have to check with one of our docs - her clinic was closed due to the time there and there is no ER vet in that area apparently - she proceeded to yell at me about how "incompetent, and self-centered" I was (...Um, what?). The story ends with her getting her answer via Social Networking Site, after some research on our docs part and the equivalent of pulling teeth to get my sister to tell me what the drugs were. Oi.

Instance Two: Grandma calls at 11:00 pm to tell me that Rufus has a hotspot and ask what she can do to help it. Hotspots - while an easy fix - need to be seen, no matter what. For all I know it was covered in pus and needed antibiotics. My advice? Call the vet. Telling me, "But I called you because you know all that stuff," doesn't work, but thanks for the flattery. I'm not a DVM, simply an assistant, and cannot legally give medical advice over the phone without 1) the pet being seen by a DVM that I work with, and 2) consulting a DVM. Nice try, Grandma. Nice try.

Client Manners: Part 2

It seems that my previous rules suggestions for client manners are being completely ignored have not reached the general public, or were not thorough enough. In light of that, here are a few more suggestions - and reasons to use them - to help everyone have a good experience and prevent arguments/pissed off clinic employees/clients:

1. DO NOT let me get through my whole spiel on the phone and then ask for a business that's not even close to ours, and then argue with me about it. Ex: "Thank you for calling Local Vet Clinic, this is Vet Assistant 1 speaking. How can I help you?" "Uh, is this the DMV?" "...No, this is a vet clinic sir/ma'am." "But the phone book lists you as the DMV." "Yes, they made a clerical error and didn't fix it before the phone books were distributed." "That's false advertisement! Which is illegal!" Etc, etc.

• This does nothing but anger me. I have clearly stated what business we are, and you - on account of being what I refer to as a dumb-dumb - have ignored me a now made an ass out of yourself. Stop wasting my time, and don't accuse me of things that I can't control.

2. When you ask if you can have a refill of a medication that needs A. bloodwork done in order to fill it, or B. an exam because we haven't seen your pet in nearly/over a year, DO NOT get huffy or try to weasel out of it with excuses.

• Your pet's health is at stake here, not to mention we have a legal obligation to see your pet and know that it's getting the correct medication and/or is healthy enough for those meds before giving out refills. This especially goes for medications like heartworm preventative (which an annual test is recommended for so as to not accidentally kill your pet by killing heartworms if they have them) and any medication that needs bloodwork done annually. The bloodwork is to make sure that the levels of the drug in their system is appropriate, it is not our fault the tests can be expensive. Take that one up with the companies that make/run the tests. 

3.  DO NOT bring your pet in for an elective surgery (dental cleanings, fatty mass removals, declawing, etc), sign all the papers, and then ask if you can do a payment plan after we've done the surgery.

• Not having the money is NOT an excuse, especially for an elective surgery. You should have had the money ready to give to us BEFORE setting up the appointment. 
• Yes, we will have you fill out a Care Credit application before we agree to a payment plan, thanks to asswipes people like you that have screwed us in the past by not holding to the agreements. That is the reason for our, "PAYMENT IS REQUIRED AT THE TIME OF SERVICES," plaques in all our exam rooms and the lobby. 
• You wouldn't do this to your doctor, so don't do it to your pet's. 

4. We have an open door policy, so if you want to watch your pet's surgery, you're more than welcome to. However, DO NOT tell us you will be there at 1 pm for the surgeryand then have the audacity to show up an hour and a half late and be angry with us.

• First of all, we don't have set times for each surgery, so by scheduling a time to show up at all, you're putting us in a time crunch. Our method is to make sure we have both doctors each working on a patient during our surgery time, and we usually figure out the best way to make use of our surgery time as we go.
• Getting angry with us because we either did your pet before you got there - since you didn't call us to let us know you would be late AND we couldn't reach you on the number you left, we assumed you weren't going to show - or because we hadn't done your pet yet and now you have to wait a few minutes for us to finish one surgery before starting on the your companion's does nothing but piss us off. NEWS FLASH: Your time is not more valuable than ours, and since we're working with individuals under anesthesia you should be understanding instead of cussing us out. 

5. Please do not yell at the receptionist because you didn't know that your pet was five years overdue for vaccines and we require they all be updated in order for them to board or stay even for just the day.

•  This is required for the safety of not only the other pets in the clinic, but for your pet's health as well. We do not vaccinate simply because we're "money grubbing assholes," you asshole. 

6. Please do not yell at ANY of the staff because you couldn't be bothered to bring Chi-Chi's rabies certificate or any shot records at all. We WILL revaccinate if we don't have the records, simply for the safety of our staff and for your own legal protection.

• Telling us that Local No Kill Shelter did the vaccines isn't going to fly, as we are - literally - NEVER able to reach them and pretty much have to assume you're lying due to the lack of records.

Hopefully this has been helpful in giving us better behaved clients. =]