Creative Greetings

So, today I found my mind wandering while holding down the fort in reception since our afternoon receptionist took a sick day. What was I pondering, you ask? For some strange reason I began thinking of creative ways to answer the phone. So far I've come up with the following:

1) "Helen's House of Pain, how may I hurt you today?"
2) "Frank's Mortuary; you stab 'em, we slab 'em."
3) "Rays of Sunshine Tanning Salon, increasing cases of melanoma throughout the U.S., how may I help you?"
4) "Sly Fox Criminals Incorporated; we do the crime, you do the time. How can we be of service?"
5) "Clip & Snip Urology Center, now offering buy one get one free on all vasectomies."
6) "Bone Appetit: Doggy and Me Diner, where you can never love your pet too much. Would you like to share a meal with your best friend?"
7) "Fun Guy Mushroom Emporium; how fun are you?"
8) "Herby's Head Shop, how high do you like to fly?"
9) "You have reached Broken Record customer service, please stay on the line. Please stay on the line. Please stay on the line..."
10) "Falling Timber Arborists, which side of your house would you like to keep?"

I'm not sure which is worse: the fact that I can come up with these, or the fact that I actually have used some when answering my cell and home phone...

Go Go Gadget Bandage Scissors

Recently one of our other assistants (we'll call her Assistant 2) has - proudly - acquired her own set of obnoxious neon green bandage scissors. Now, let me state for the record that most of us have our own sets as the hospital pairs are - frankly - lumps of steel shit that happen to have a scissor-like motion. Since she has acquired these scissors, we've all agreed that she's become a bit too excited about them, however we'll let you guys be the official judges.

Example A -  LVT is bandaging a leg and Assistant 2 is helping. As LVT goes to reach for her own scissors, this happens:
Assistant 2: *shoves her own scissors in LVT's hand* There you go! These are nice and sharp for you. *cheesey grin*

Example B - I am unpacking boxes with my own - recently purchased, EMT grade - scissors as Assistant 2 strolls by.
Assistant 2: Oh, here you go. These are new, so they should work better. *shoves her scissors at my hand*
Me: Uh, thanks, but mine are plenty sharp. I'm good.
Assistant 2: Yeah, but these are newer...Fine. *sighs and leaves dejectedly*

Example C - Dr. Paranoid is looking for suture scissors to do a suture removal.
Assistant 2: Need scissors? Here you go! *offers*
Dr. Paranoid: ...It's a suture removal, I can't use those for it.
Assistant 2: What? Why not? They're nice and sharp, 'cause they're new! *smiles*
Dr. Paranoid: *eyeroll*

Just in case you're not aware, there is a difference between suture scissors and bandage scissors as shown here:



Suture Scissors



Bandage Scissors

 As you can see, the suture scissors have a small dip in the tip so you can hook the suture without shoving a large piece of metal between a tight stitch and the patient, and the bandage scissors have a small wedge at the tip to help slide it gently under the bandaging material so as to cut it. Hopefully this explains Dr. Paranoid's response.