A Legitimate Excuse

Many of the clients I see as a receptionist are rather irritable when they come in. I mean, I'm the ditz that sits up front and asks all these questions that obviously have nothing to with the appointment they're there for - such as asking if a pet has had any coughing, sneezing, vomiting, or diarrhea, and what food they're on (it's important in cases of allergies, I swear!) - and waste their time so they don't get to see the vet right when they walk through the door. One client today, however, was very fidgety and seemed more irritable than the rest. He was very nice in explaining why he was in that kind of mood, though.
Me: I'm sorry it's taking so long, sir, but I have to go through all five of your dogs individually so the assistants and doctor can assess what's going on with whom and have a good idea what to do about it before going into the room so as not to waste your time.
Client: Oh, no, it's ok. It's not you, sweetie, I just quit cocaine cold turkey four days ago.
Me:...We'll get you going as soon as possible. *smile*

Native to America

One of the many things that irritates vet clinic staff is ignorant breeders. That is the top of the list, even above complete ignorance itself. However, on Friday we met the honorary place holder of Moron of the Decade for our clients. A woman came in with her dog that had given birth to one puppy two days before, had a still born the day before she came in, and ended up diagnosed with a retained puppy. The remedy? An emergency c-section/spay surgery. Now, what makes this so rich is that the woman was a single mother, had no spare money, and was actively breeding dogs, having nine of them at home, saying she had started a breed four years prior. I imagine she thought she was going to get rich off of this - which is a VERY common misconception; folks, I'm going to say it here and now: breeding dogs is NOT a way to make money - so she kept our staff waiting for forty-five minutes while she dealt with the grief of not being able to breed this poor dog. During the surgery the woman sat in the lobby while I played receptionist and prepared files for the next day and closed down that portion of the clinic for the night. I make it a habit to be considerate and try to make nice conversation for waiting clients, but this makes me almost reconsider:
Me: So, what breed are these guys?
Client: They're Native American Village Dogs. They're a combination of breeds native to North America, like husky, malamute, German shepherd....

Oh No She Didn't

So, recently we've acquired a sixteen year old volunteer. This girl is probably the sweetest you will ever meet, unfortunately she just doesn't get it. I'm sure you all know what I mean, in that things just don't click. Like the fact that it's inappropriate to ask to see the dog being euthanized because she just wants to pet it, or that the fractious (unpredictably vicious/evil) cat that is waking up from sedation will try to eat her face if she continues to pet it and ask if it's going to be nice. Despite all of this, we've all made efforts to train her how to hold pets for various things - since her goal is to become a veterinarian at some point - which has been a failing effort.

A prime example of this is when our tech had this girl holding onto a tiny yorkie that is so well behaved you don't have to actually restrain her. All our tech was trying to do was get a fecal sample with a loop. As she's getting ready to use it, this happens:

Volunteer: Oh my God! *takes the dog off the table, puts it back in the cage, and walks out of the treatment area*
Tech: ...Oh no, she didn't.
Me: Would you like some mortar for that brick you're about to sh*t? 'Cause, uh, yes....Yes, she did.

Privileged Information

Forward: This blog features our associate veterinarian Dr. Paranoid, her alias based on the fact that she is exceptionally paranoid about her own dogs' health as well as many other things in the practice.

The ignorance of pet owners never ceases to amaze me. For some reason, owners will give information to the vet assistants that they won't give the receptionist, and give more information to the veterinarian than they will to the assistants. Let me just say that the questions we assistants ask aren't for the hell of it or to waste your time. The more information we can give to the veterinarian before they get in the room, the better the idea they have of what to look for and the more likely an accurate diagnosis will be given. Nothing is more infuriating than to hear an owner tell you one thing and then turn around and say something completely different to the doctor.

We had a small poodle come in today for North and South Syndrome - vomiting and diarrhea - that had been going on for about two days. When asked by the receptionist and myself, "Is there anything she may have gotten into that she shouldn't have? Has she possibly eaten anything that wasn't part of her regular diet?" the client answered very firmly that, no, her dog ONLY eats her own food. This was noted in the chart and I left to grab Dr. Paranoid to do the exam. This is the conversation that ensued:
Dr. Paranoid: *while palpating the dog's abdomen* So she hasn't gotten into anything she shouldn't have?
Client: No, she....Well, she ate part of a deer carcass a couple days ago. Could that upset her tummy?
Dr. Paranoid: ...Why, yes. Yes it can.